VAYETZE 5779
LOVED LESS – LOVED AT ALL?
November 15, 2018
7 Kislev 5779
From the very moment that Jacob met Rachel at the well, they were both smitten with one another. Each found the other to be the designated partner for life and all that remained was that their relationship be blessed by her father, Laban. The Torah tells us that Laban had two daughters, Leah and Rachel, and the commentary is that, in his eyes, they were both equal; he showed no preference for one over the other.
Leah is described as suffering from "weak eyes that clearly affected her appearance"; her younger sister, Rachel, is described as "shapely and beautiful" (Genesis 29:17). A midrash conjectures that this negative description of Leah was due to her concern that she and Rachel would be married to their cousins, Esau and Jacob, and that she, the older sister, would be chosen for Esau, the older son who already had a reputation for being wild, uncouth and insensitive to the heritage of Abraham and Isaac. Thus, the weeping flowed from a deep concern about her disastrous marital destiny.
We know the story that, on the wedding night, Laban switched the daughters. Leah became Jacob's first wife and, within a week, acquired his beloved Rachel as his second wife. The Torah is clear that "he loved Rachel more than Leah" (ibid 29:30). While he married the latter first, the deep love was, of course, to the younger sister. It was very insensitive for, from Leah's perspective, she was not rejected but despised. She expresses this in the naming of her first three sons: "The first, the Lord has seen my affliction and now my husband will love me. The second, because the Lord heard that I was unloved and has given me this one also. The third, this time my husband will become attached to me for I have borne him three sons" (ibid 29: 32-34).
The Torah does not tell us the depth of his love for Leah, but her obvious perspective was that Rachel was her husband's true love, causing her to feel shunted and pushed aside. In the long run, it was Leah who conceived easily and gave birth to six of Jacob's sons and his only daughter, Dinah. While Rachel was his great love, it was Leah with whom he ultimately built the family. Yet, this was not sufficient for the wife who felt not only rejected and unappreciated, but hated.
Sadly, this syndrome is frequently replicated in our personal relationships with our children or our parents or our friends. Exhibiting greater affinity for one impacts the self esteem of others, who feel rejected and even deeply resented. Try as families will to assure that everyone is loved, there is always the danger that some live with the belief that they are less beloved and valued. Perhaps that's the basis for the well-known observation that all families are dysfunctional or unhappy but in different ways. Only we know, in our hearts, whether this is an apt description of us and our families.
Jews are often perceived as paranoid, even in our open society where we are easily accepted; we seem to feel that we are a little bit less loved than the majority. While this was certainly true for the two millennia in societies in which Jews lived, the sense of being less loved and more spurned seems to be built into our DNA. The tragic Pittsburgh massacre reinforced the sense of being in the crosshairs of enemies.
Despite the outpouring of support from national and religious leaders, there is the feeling we are fated to be less than others. This feeling continues to resonate despite our acceptance – and our contributions to American society.
Our nation continues to struggle with the reality that skin pigmentation and ethnic origin determine a citizen's worth. The struggle for civil rights has made the ballot available to everyone with no one-vote being more valuable than another. Yet, one wonders how people of color, with or without interesting origins, respond to the attempts at voter suppression that, as of this writing, have spawned major post-election controversies in Alabama and Florida.
A healthy family cannot be built when some feel alienated and excluded, and neither can a society be maximally functional with religious/racial/ethnic minorities believing they are less valued and less loved.
Jacob could not build his family without Leah; our society cannot be fully complete without the valued contributions of the religious/ethnic/racial minorities to our burgeoning economy. Whether it is paranoia or not, America will only fulfill its aspiration to be truly great when we all feel truly welcomed and hopefully, beloved.
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From the holy city of Jerusalem my best wishes for a Shabbat Shalom u'Mevorach, a Shabbat of peace and blessing.
Rabbi Arnold M Goodman
ROSH CHODESH KISLEV TOLDOT 5779
A BASIC COSMIC NEED
November 8, 2018
2 Kislev 5779
Isaac pleaded before the Lord on behalf of his wife because she was childless, and the Lord responded to his plea… (Genesis 25:21)
People who need people,
Are the luckiest people in the world
A feeling deep in your soul (in your soul)
Says you were half, now you're whole
For nineteen years Rebecca and Isaac struggled with infertility. They desperately wanted children, but, alas, she did not conceive. There is a Midrash that it was Isaac who struggled with infertility and, hence, his desperate prayers that were answered when Rebecca become pregnant. The Midrash speculates why Isaac was so afflicted. Its answer is that God desires the prayers of the righteous, and having Isaac turn to Him was a source of gratification.
This striking rabbinic observation contends that God and we are important to one another. Each one of us is in a one-on-one relationship with God; it is a relationship of mutual need. The familiar song: "people who need people are the luckiest people" celebrates this duality of need. In a true loving relationship, each partner is nourished by the love that the other can and does provide. In a true loving relationship each partner is sensitive to what the other needs. In a true loving relationship, there is "the feeling deep in your soul that says you were half, now you're whole."
Abraham Joshua Heschel envisioned God in search of man, and noted, "The grand premise of religion is that man is able to surpass himself; that man who is part of this world may enter into a relationship with Him who is greater than the world."
For the prophet Micah, mortals fulfill God's need for an ordered world by doing justice, loving mercy and walking before Him in humility (Micah 6:8). As Heschel taught, "There is no reverence for God without reverence for man. Love of man is the way to the love of God."
While God needs our commitment to justice, mercy and humility, in our imperfect (broken) social order, these qualities are sadly all too often in short supply. Yet it is God in His words to Noah who admitted, "The yetzer (the human inclination) is evil from his youth, i.e., from his very beginning" (Genesis 8:10). Some view this evil inclination as being implanted in the fetus; others contend that it enters within us at the moment of birth. Be that as it may, it is an ongoing lifetime struggle to socialize this evil inclination by developing a yetzer tov (the good inclination). Our willingness and capacity to meet this challenge determines the extent to which we fulfill both God's hope and our need for a well ordered world.
God has set before each of us the awesome challenge of developing our yetzer tov and committing ourselves to nurturing the mutual need for justice, mercy and humility, thus making both God and ourselves whole and truly holy.
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From the holy city of Jerusalem my best wishes for a Shabbat Shalom u'Mevorach, a Shabbat of peace and blessing.
Rabbi Arnold M Goodman
